past lives

1.
where does the head go
not where its told to
over and over
breaking the rules
broken heart

open and closed
where does the head go
favorite places
where does the heart go
always be around
broken head

what can i tell you
not what i'm told to
over and over
breaking the promises
broken ego

started and finished
where does the heart go
away from strangers
where does the head go
old forgotten places
broken heart

how the freedom of flight in black night screams so perfectly out of the folds in each crease of the blanket of stars reaching its silken arms above me and stretching until it meets with all four corners of the sea below me, my eyes peeled wide open, mouth like a sailor, how many sirens could sing me to sleep? on a stage, in the ceiling, peeling out of a wrapper, unfurling like some wild apparition of a song i had heard once before in the throes of my youth, but the size of it is all too large and it wraps those silken arms around me, then bends itself inwards until i'm inside out and every single word is the most pristine sound. falling like rain, two yellow lines of a highway twisting upon the slate gray surface like a snake, coiling at the foot of a mirror, on the rooftops, in the walls, ripping out of an envelope, unwinding as if it were propelled by the nature of grace itself, in a perfectly calculated motion, and the clouds begin to rattle as the city takes the plunge into the siren's open hands...hands like an opera...my features, black and white, like a piano, slowly regaining color...into red mouth, chalk skin, pupils like the flash of a raven's wing, and my twig legs, planted firmly in the earth...

you can take your pills, but me, i'll take the open sky

1.
Oh! special places and the ever-present
pretentious faces
you are, at times
one and the same.

I can smell it as soon as it
begins to spoil.
forgotten meat, long left alone
those ever-present pretentious faces.

you are not the only one
to feel so alone
so leave me alone

2.
words can feel so invalid and suspicious
suspicions arise at the words i despise
three thousand hits hit all at once
a taste of oblivion, then its done
ten thousand come downs
too many interruptions to reconsider
what it once was at the start
so i turn around
hits in reverse, save the last for the first
words can feel so impolite
and freedom lies in the power of flight
black night
the perfect come down
my dear last days as the globe spins quick
words sometimes they make me sick
with every intention comes the dawn
daybreak in my fragile mind
counting now from time to time
every eggshell i step on seems to crack
three thousand hits
hit like a kiss
and your lips
open ended answers, the distraction
i missed
with every feeble attempt at this

i

saw you in the widening corner

all your angles were turning obtuse

though i tried to stop all of the bleeding

it was simply a bit too profuse

cat and mouse

i'd like to play all day

you see you've only shown me

just what i had expected.

cat and mouse games are child's play

i'd like to think that we are

far much older-

that we've outgrown such follies

PERHAPS I SHOULD

PUT MY HEART WHERE MY MOUTH IS

BEFORE THEY BOTH GO MISSING

(don't waste all of your strings)

me, the end

all the green

and your casual lack of concern

brings the bottom fairly close

to all that sits above

i just had to show my utmost care

in giving you what you deserve

telephone calls just make it

uglier

yesterday said that the

time wasn't right

devotion

maybe i'm over being loyal

maybe you can't hold

my ever-waning attentinon

its obvious, though

that the limit's been burned

me, the end

all that green

and your casual lack of concern

i can't make up my mind

once i have what i've

always wanted

i just toss it back

into the green

All My Friends Are Killers.

sometimes I think that every new party’s gonna save me

sitting in the bath when the bouncer calls, he asks me

where’d you run off to last weekend

are you gonna come tonight

love makes me sick so I wonder why they wanna touch me

my hands bloody red like the

rings around my eyes

the sun hates the sky so give me every last drop ‘til it comes

.. ..

all my friends are killers

.. ..

all my lovers are fake, they just want to own me

and stick their hands up my shirt, unbutton my pants and

have their way

all my boyfriends aren’t there

put the cash on the counter and buy me, bit by bit

it doesn’t work, love makes me sick

.. ..

and those lines cut up on the counter top aren’t even real drugs

all the drugs were done years ago

there’s none left, my arms are empty like the

weight of my head

the water is warm and my legs are so white

his voice on the phone makes me laugh like a little girl

or a woman with a gun up her skirt

.. ..

all my days are sedatives

.. ..

the ingredients aren’t right, they just form a clot

I couldn’t admit that he broke my heart

now every time they try to get inside me it simply forms a wedge

between my thighs and the door

all my lovers wanna stick their knife in me

when I say no they tell me it makes them want it more

they say I should just lay down

and try to take it like a man

end up

bleeding out

.. ..

there’s exceptions to the golden rules

drank until I couldn’t talk and added some

fast food and smoke,

in the earliest morning the moon swings on its noose, high

the bouncer wore a silver suit-

every new party’s gonna save me

all my lovers make me wanna die

all my dreams are lucid ones

.. ..

the static’s a crime

every face is a new one, you’re perfect

my legs spread open wide

the first time it ends is the next since the last

and now this is the part in the sex where I laugh

each bartender has a crooked smile

your fur coat reminds of me running fast

I’m on my couch in oblivion just wishing that

he was pushing me

.. ..

in the house its not safe

on the street its okay

freedom’s so big that it

makes me come

hard

you
is it the reason that i'm home?
how many places could i have
called home
and the very thing that is the
sense of home
could that be you?

there were so many
cities
making up the fibers of my
roads and highways that we
drove so many times
i've gone there before

and empty old times i recognize
still the same presence on the block
how pretend
i could pretend i'm pretty
while i sit with the window
rolled down
pretty is always the perfect fake
pretty is their intentional fate

LOS ANGELES
why would you spend your time looking for needles
just one time could be the only time left you just
avoid the twist of fate and let the time eat your days eat the time

I HATE WASHED UP LEFTOVER CELEBRITIES
HOW DO THEY SURVIVE ALL THESE RERUNS?
REALITY TELEVISION GAME SHOW CHALLENGES
YOU JUST KEEP PAYING FOR THEIR FOLLIES

how many times can acid be the answer

its so much easier to just have someone do it for you
but what if someone else says that its time for you to learn

it is the alternate
so much time. slow glow
i follow the trails of color
how many individual strands?
so many immaculate
this could be the catharsis
i feel it to be so
compound images lead us
to the center of a circle
how perfect the times
there is something i love
about sugar

black pools distract me from daylight
too many nights i have spent in disguise
and the times that i knew it was done
are the ones i so readily hide

its my skin i'm not willing to part with
each pore as a
piece of a
whole and

your eyes!
pierce right through
pin me down like a
paperclip
bent in all
kinds of directions

you hit all at once
its such fun
how the force knocks me down

how those black pools distract me from daylight
eyeing me through the
casual dawn
the blank day

WHERE DID THE DOPE MAN GO?
DOPE MAN YOU ARE THE EVER PRESENT

ARE THE SOUNDS TOO GOOD? ITS SICK
TOMORROW'S THE OPEN CUT ON THE

ten thousand times
over and again
never shallow
sometimes it just
eats me alive
open and mellow
cancer forlorn
today you might
swallow me whole
pretty in tangles
knots in the strands
maybe we should
tie the loose ends
until the next
big thing begins
kill the old news

open and close
my black eyes
what a benign
disease it is
what a design
to reckon with

lace stockings

stick legs

quality time

everything stops

where i saw the beginning

there now is a hole

open minded

closed eyes

waste of time

i've been awake

since sleep ran away

leaving a stain

confetti

being alone in this minute is a vaccuum

one, two, three

august midwest melts in to the sun, the streets
a seascape
of the eyes of strangers, your bicycle wheels
one minute
a careful descent into dusk

it was all a long time ago, today
its okay, we'll live until tomorrow, she says

your footsteps on the steps of the bus, aviator sunglasses
seemingly hundreds of mexican restaurants and a barefoot man out there
washing the sidewalks
the space between me and their effortless swagger and
all of us caught up in it
holds the sweet ring of baba o'reilly

there's a chainsaw between me and poland
dagger between me and london

world in an icecream cone
twenty seven million miles and counting
my heart breaks to the rustling of your hair, and your dark hand
across my pillow
and the drunks out on lake street
overflowing down 32nd, right beneath my window
singing the saturday song

i wonder where everyone is right now

all of the suburbs are silent

i've got a friend in wisconsin! green fields all the way to chicago!
umbrellas on the shores of lake michigan and sheep at
the side of the roads, little mexico
dirt sky of el paso
gonna save up some money and fly

all the stars like nerve endings, lighting at random
my empty cigarette lung hanging dangerously low to a coal black slit in the
perfect oblivion
and steel drums in my head
and steel drums in my head

The Kill.

open

words i haven't seen

easy verses

cloudy nerves

platforms in memory

streets lined with perfect pitch

sidewalks like a

violin

and my empty marionette stance

woke up to an ashen world

filled the pockets with

leftover girls

leftover world

kept the candy where i could see it

kept the poison where i could feel it

and the tiny burning sun

blister in a blinding sky

dangles before ruby mouth

tastes like every day

keep the candy where i can see it

keep your heart where i can feel it

keep your head where i can kill it

leftover girls

and my empty marionette stance

wooden legs

hands held by wire

buildings like a

set of stairs

winding up the horizon

filling the skyline with

every shadow

just to taste the day

so you're mellow

i can see

hard to swallow

such a treat

i let it burn

such pleasant razorburn

and scrape

away the shallow coat

its nothing but the antidote

nothing if not in this dream

you can't erase a bruise

that stays black

today tomorrow was

yesterday

they offer me the same

uptown knows a face

and money too

pay for play, every day

offers me the same

accept that the catalyst

is in the women's hands

open

for business

open

for ingestion

always

for injection

its in the women's hands

palms smile invitingly

accept the excess runoff

until death do us part

and i knew it from the start

i would throw me away

into the women's open hands

providing runoff from the man

into palms outstretched

dissecting coils of time

giving me to mine

scratch the itch and peel away

pay for play every day

makes a sun shine

splits a sea

rips me in half

fantastic midnight found me in the

crease of your design

my paper fine skin is

chalk sliding down a bent sky

into the treacherous waters

of azul atlantic eyes

i fought the tide and found it to be

somewhat of a subtle hint

that fighting was a waste of time

can't fight the crease

of your design

so sick of spaces, its a drag

the way the arrows of desire

leave me full of exit wounds

white of the jagged moon

just piercing on through

and your design

like the scratch of blue fever

coldsweat and fire

frozen over

hurts like the heavens, it is

the red carpet, the only

acceleration

straight, no chaser

burning so good as it

goes right down

echoes and shadows

your design, and the

sultry violence

of the sky

my pupils wide like

black machines

in the fantastic midnight

static clings to my dreams

st. christopher

slick red velvet chair, lace veil
guest list reads like a bible
I’d sell out just to please the crowd
just to be in style
just kidding

club nights and alley days
sticks and stones
a most sufficient remedy

candy seems to think she had it all
until one day she ran away
and went into submission
so now how am I supposed to pretend
its okay, I’ve exhausted my resources

sugar please, make sense of this
the skies are filled with dust
I’m somewhere in between, above the earth

my sullen saint Christopher
you weren’t cut out for this
I remember the rain coming through your broken car window
the way that you cradled my brittle frame
there was so much more I had wanted to say

is guilt a reasonable result of pleasure
or pleasure a source of pain

no use in denying the ascent to space
so many smiles and sighs
I have to remind myself, sometimes
of every stretch of happiness
that brought me to this familiar plain

how many units got you to the top
how many brought you down

into the white of the wintery dusk

curling plumes, steam and smoke

feed the air with its musk

and the snow, brittle snow

falling desperately fast

pummeling the frozen earth, and

sending the dirt to its

maker

coating the deadened ground

beating it down

black heavens, suspended

in suspension, what suspense!

and the joy of the sting

and the crunch beneath my feet

never ceases to bleach

bleach the bitter, brazen, bold terrain

blot and

numb it out

sweet novacaine clouds crying

icy saline february tears

it was the language of the season

Feb. 14

the crease is right

caught in the fold

and every wrinkle like a sigh

the edges drawing near

translucent hands

paper fine skin

chalk sliding down a

bent and broken sky

all the clouds look fine tonight

every black space

each white star

both sides at once

its not enough

pulled my trigger

shot down the moon

restless sky is perfectly empty

chalk dust rains down

into the fold

mornings cut me a sliver of indifference

just so i can monopolize ignorance

the chill of wet air and the sun hanging low

over western soil and my

two feet planted firmly in the earth

the hours and minutes like a question

searching for seconds that hold the answer

suspecting the answer to be

somewhat like cancer and the

questions come down like rain

divine incisions

separating the folds in the

crease of the night

broken sky

two lights burn subtle

silver knife

the voracious arrow of mine

magnet pupil, slow spin and apple

slice through the skin and

carve about the spine

two hands

tendons stretch, the

sinews strain as my

weary fingers take the plunge and

slip between your own

your eyes

licked me clean to the bone

harsh ivory and marrow

the definitive structure

how the blue could cut through

every pretense

and time

and the distance

seemingly irrelevant

to the nature of my heart

can't write beautifully enough

to construct images of us

don't want to come across as another cliche

seems i can't pray to anything these days

lucky seven killed the cat

i'm quite sure its not so

lucky anymore

seven ate the nine

right here in bed i said

it happens all the time

seven says its getting bored

but making big plans so

rest assured

i traded seven in for a six

now its making me sick

should have been

faithful to the odds

3. sometimes all you need to remember is not to forget so those things so familiar won’t ever recede and the casual time won’t slip away except for the size of this its far too obscene to commit to the memory of it i am not the only one to simply decide not to lose we’re being accessible to the pull of possibility and a lift up, sometimes, exposing the seams to their otherwise manufactured appearance where has my childhood gone? hollywood, heroin. palm trees on the pacific coast endless road ocean tonight is the perfect oblivion.

Bang Bang
henry hudson,
you put a riddle through my vacant heart
and empty head, george washington you
filled it up
in the dirty snow before daylight savings time
I started to remember what New Jersey did for me

started to thaw

broke into an empty place, smashed out the windows
allowed all the winds to join me
watched the sun blaze its way west, watched the shadows lean crazily
went outside again and surfed a tilted sidewalk
all the way to your front porch
where I stood for a minute in awe of your tiny, fat hands

the skies were filled with a strawberry hue

and I was thinking about fifteen years ago when I would stay home from school

and how plastic and metal still turn me on

and piles of my little ponies, with their
neon hair, and gems in the stomachs of trolls, and my mother cooking
macaroni and cheese, and television static
the Yankee game on the radio, in my bed in the dark

awful river full of tug boats
the way we fooled that cop on the way to the bridge
listening to casettes we had bought at the salvation army
how the twinkling lights bore holes through the night, and the traffic

abraham lincoln
e-z pass, stop signs, driving fast
landscapers, outdoor spanish markets, changing your underwear in the lobby
she called herself Elektra; I was interested

her legs were full of holes

Burn Burn Burn
can’t ever return
thank you
mr. presidents

Coasts

We used to go for morning rides. I would wake up early and drive everyone down to the Newport Club for the 6:30 A.M. meeting. It would be just like my first day in California, driving down that hill to 32nd Street with the sun slowly climbing over an endless expanse of blue-green, palm trees towering out of the view of the car’s windows. When it was over, I would drive Kialas’ blue car all the way down the Pacific Coast Highway, lit by the newly risen sun. I’d turn the music up as loud as it could go and chain smoke menthol cigarettes. The bass rattled the entire vehicle. We would pack the car with laughter. It was a form of procrastination. No one wanted to go back to the Treatment Center for chores and morning meditation. The ocean would be to our left, and those oil refineries to the right. We would pass Main Street in Huntington and continue to where the land was flat and it seemed as if you were teetering on the edge of the water itself. Before we made it all the way to Long Beach, I would begrudgingly turn the car back around and make the reluctant drive back to Costa Mesa. For some reason, that stretch of highway always managed to invoke a certain sense of freedom. Maybe it was the wide open space. I loved to drive. I didn’t even have a license. I still don’t have one, now. The sky was always such a perfect blue, those mornings. On the way back, on the right side of the road, near the fire pits, parking lots lined with Volkswagen buses dotted the horizon, and scruffy surfer boys unloaded their surfboards and ran a finger through their hair, looking out into the waves.

My dad used to drive my brother and me down to the Jersey shore during the winter in the family’s minivan. We were young kids then. He loved to go down there when it was nearly deserted. We would either listen to the oldies on a New York City station or some dusty old classic rock cassette tapes that he had in the car. The Beach Boys were a favorite of mine. It was somewhat ironic to be listening to their sunny California surf music in the grey stillness of New Jersey winter. He would turn the music up, loud, and the three of us would sing along. Nearing Pt. Pleasant, the radio stations would fade to static and the tapes were all we had. I knew we were getting closer to the shore when a thin film of sand appeared on the sides of the road. I always wondered how it got there. The trees were different down there, too. They stood so tall and narrow along the side of the turnpike. All of the carnival rides would be abandoned, the parking lots nearly empty. The boardwalk itself never seemed to close though, and we would spend endless amounts of quarters on those claw machines that are so nearly impossible to win. The music there was like an endless circus soundtrack. My brother and I would jump up and down with joy after finally clasping a cheap stuffed animal with the machine’s metal fingers. You could never seem to win anything worthwhile, though, like those silver watches sitting haphazardly atop mounds of small, technicolor pebbles behind the glass. We would get some pizza and lemonade, probably some ice cream too, and walk up and down the wooden slats. The ocean was a cold, dim green, the sky concrete.

Prom weekend. We went to Seaside Heights, along with seemingly the entire rest of the world. I got really stoned and fell asleep on the beach. I ended up so sun burnt that it hurt to move. All of my friends were having a great time getting wasted, but my boyfriend and I couldn’t seem to stop fighting. I really wanted to go to White Castle, but I don’t think we ever ended up going. The only thing that I really remember other than that was smashing a bunch of cheerios on the hotel room floor and then trying to shove someone’s face in them. The Jersey Shore seems really dirty during the summer. All the girls are all greased up in their miniscule bikinis, with their melted makeup running down their faces. Hundreds of beach umbrellas dot the sand, and little kids run around in diapers. Shrill lifeguard whistles pierce the air, and obese, middle-aged couples balance precariously on their fold-up chairs, drinking cans of Miller Lite and reminiscing about the good old days. The seagulls scream as they swoop down to grab scraps of garbage and cigarette butts from the ground. One time I went down there with some friends and we buried this kid in the sand, and then stuck fries in his ass. Not literally his ass, but the sand above it. Those seagulls shamelessly flew right down and ate the fries while he was lying there on his stomach.

My first word was “stuck”. I mean, of course I said “Mom” and “Dad” and the typical baby drivel, but my first actual word was “stuck.” Our cat Tidbit had climbed on top of this wooden chest that we had in the dining room, and I followed her up there. My mother found me, sitting atop the chest, saying “stuck, stuck, stuck.” Spoken like a true alcoholic.